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RAIN p886 - Red Alert by JocelynSamara RAIN p886 - Red Alert by JocelynSamara
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Rain's feelings mirror my own quite a bit.  I was at one time hesitant to talk to anyone about anything relating to my being trans.  Even people who I knew would accept me or could help me.  But going out at any given time, I agonized over whether I passed or not.  No one would even say anything; I would be sensitive to every little glance that lasted just a second too long.  Or assume if someone is laughing, it HAD to be at me.  Maybe everyone can see right through me and just isn't saying anything.  I 100% understand and support anyone who would want to be stealth, but after years and years of trying to be that way, I just can't do it.  All it does is feed on my low self-esteem and send my already bad anxiety through the roof.

In hindsight, becoming visible was probably a gradual and unconscious process for me.  When I realized what I was doing, it felt very sudden and it weirded me out, much like Rain, but the signs were there that I'd probably been going that way for a while.  I also realized I hadn't been as anxious lately.  I wasn't self-loathing as much.  Someone could look in my general direction without me fearing the worst and wanting to just burst into tears.  It was a relief to not feel like that.  It was strange, and an adjustment, but it also felt right.  More natural than what I'd been trying to force myself to do all this time.

After all, I know what I am.  I'm a woman.  And whether people know that I'm also trans or not, no one can ever take my womanhood away.  They might laugh, or try to insult me, or try to convince me that I'll never be "real", but those people's uninformed opinions don't matter.  I know what I am.  I don't care if they "don't agree" with my identity.  I don't need to prove it, and I don't need anyone's permission.  And for what it's worth, my voice is iffy, I still have to shave my face everyday, and I'm well aware I DON'T always pass for any number of reasons.  But I'm still a woman, so who cares if people know I'm trans too?

That's what's comfortable for me.  I want to stress that I'm not trying to convince anyone to drop their stealth because it's worked wonders for me.  No, we're all different.  The point is: I'm doing what feels right to me, so you do you.  That will always be my stance.  If you want to be visible, be visible. If you want to be stealth, be stealth. If you want to be kinda halfway open with select people, go for it. As long as you're not hurting anyone, you do whatever you need to for you.

Er-hem.

That was more than I expected to say.  I guess I just wanted to get that out.  Especially before we go into hiatus mode.  I know, I know.  But I want to use this time to FINALLY get Volume 4 out.  Also, I want to attend to some things going on in my personal life right now.  The goal is to be back before March is over.  It could be sooner or later this month depending on how things go (and I'll keep you posted), but I'll definitely be back with more new pages (three days a week) before this month ends.  ^_^


©2004-2017
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:iconkittystclare:
KittyStClare Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2017
No rush or anything, but when is the next update?
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:iconfaebornstarseed:
FaebornStarseed Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
If it is confidence, I am really happy for her.
Reply
:icontiruin:
Tiruin Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2017  Student Writer
I really wish there were guides for these. Not the guides like text/video or such (those help), but guides like...others' guidance much as the author's notes for life. I'm stuck in 'open to immediate family; ALL THE "SLIPS" ANYWAY' with being called differing pronouns and whatnot. "What's the point of what I did and took several years being suppressed because of the initial reaction back when I was 4 and 7 years of age when people make "slip"s in referring to me." :^

Ayup x.x The second paragraph is quite a goal to aim for for me.
...In that the rare mention of anything along the lines on who I am is pretty uplifting.
But all that builds up into "it's so hard to even mention anything in this context to anyone in the immediate family now <_<". Despite it pretty much being a need. Suffice the example of 'calling a person something they're not but something similar to get their attention' works, and it creates that feeling that I've had for years. Gahhhhhh. Idon't even know what to do x_x (or where to ask, or where to start asking, or how to ask or- argh).


All that aside, I love reading how you characterize the people along the way :D There seems to be a lot of space in between to fill in, too!
Also my wording isn't that good. Sorry ahead! D:
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:iconrawricadakitten:
RawricaDaKitten Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
YAS THE BUNNY *literally the only thing I really feel like commenting*
Reply
:iconlunanatsume:
LunaNatsume Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I was on HRT for a YEAR before I told anyone outside my immediate family (other than trans groups on Facebook, under a different name). Once I went full time, I pretty much told anyone who asked, was curious, or just people I felt could handle the info. I went out on a date with a girl last summer, and 10 min after it started I was all, "So hey, just in case you didn't know, I used to be a guy. Are you chill with that?".
Afterward I answer questions, and give my abridged history on the hows and whys. I actually enjoy telling people for the most part, because I can get a beat on what kind of person they are based on how they react. Kind of like a little test I give everyone after meeting people.
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:iconviolettamau:
ViolettaMau Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I agree feeling confident is strange, a few years ago I was so shy and didn't have the confidence to actually make leaps towards my dreams. But now I'm only steps away from hopefully making progress to beginning transition and other dreams of mine are within reach too ^.^ it really is a strange feeling.
I think if I tried being stealth it would be more harmful to me than just taking the opinions of others, my personality is more just take it as it comes because I've gotten up from everything else and if someone doesn't take the chance I give them well I tried. But credit to everyone stealth or out with whatever problems they are managing, however they are dealing with them.

On a cheerful side note bunny keeping up that cuteness! ^.^
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:iconantbriwes:
AntBriWes Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017
Puddle!!!
Reply
:iconbeez1717:
beez1717 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I love how the bunny happened to work out perfectly for the reason you came up with after the fact. At some point you. Have GOT to have the bunny stretched out on Rain's lap :aww:
Reply
:icondraygaqueen:
DraygaQueen Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
I know that would BE* a disaster. (Sorry, had to point that out)

But yeah, confidence is something most of us trans folk find lacking... Spending decades of time, being told that its wrong to be ourselves, and much of that time being forced to play pretend, wearing a mask, to please society. The power and freedom of being able to be truly ourselves, finally... Its powerful, but with great power comes great responsibility...
Reply
:icongungho1000:
gungho1000 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
#foreverinthecloset! Maybe it's just me
Reply
:iconjamieagatharose:
JamieAgathaRose Featured By Owner Edited Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
What is this con-fee-dense thing of which you speak? Is it food? Can you eat it?

In all seriousness it'd be nice to have that choice, but with my body type I doubt being able to pass will ever be a reality. Then again this process is moving at a crawl, so...
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:iconflex35:
flex35 Featured By Owner Edited Mar 11, 2017
I think it tastes similar to sarcasm (gotta love team four star).
Reply
:iconjamieagatharose:
JamieAgathaRose Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Dammit Goku!!! :XD:
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:iconflex35:
flex35 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
First off, I feel like I need to share this. This page didn't seem to make sense the first time I read it and then I realized, I was reading it the way I would read a manga ... face palms.

I think for the most part, confidence is a strange and foreign thing to most of us, and we either fake or are not aware of when being confident. I think for me, I am only confident telling people I trust on how I feel about my own gender. But when other people talk about LBGT etc topics, I am beginning to not be shy about voicing my own opinions and show support, instead of being quiet.
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:iconangelikatatsu:
AngelikaTatsu Featured By Owner Edited Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I came out to everyone I felt close to about being transgender...and every single one of those people (including my own mother) shunned me more and more to the point that I got the picture...they don't want me in their lives. There is still one person that hasn't made me feel like they don't completely want nothing to do with me, but I see through their struggle in being friends with me that though they don't want to completely shun me that they don't make me feel completely confident in my identity. I need people that help me feel confident in being who I am. I am not getting it...at all. My mom doesn't want to hear anything about my emotional struggle in it...she gets neurological disorders but she refuses to see being transgender as anything less than a choice. 

I came out only to have to go back to being deep stealth offline. It hurts so much that sometimes I wish that I won't wake up the next day. Not that I would ever do anything to end my life...but what is the point in being alive if I am not allowed to celebrate what being alive means to me?
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:iconsulfurdust:
SulfurDust Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017
I tried coming out to my mother when I was around 12ish back in 2010. I'd been working up the courage for months beforehand and kept putting it off because I was nervous since I didn't have a clue how she would react. Though eventually I told her. I can remember the butterflies in my stomach.  She told me I was confused, that I was making up fake cures to my depression, that I had been brainwashed by gays. I can remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when my attempts to tell her how I felt feel on deaf ears. I ran to my room and locked it and cried until I feel asleep. My home life was awkward from that day forward. I tried to avoid my mom as much as possible because whenever she was around me she'd harass me about it. Though eventually since I never spoke to her about it again it kinda faded into the background. I'd told her because I was scared of what puberty would do to me and badly needed her support. When I needed her most she wasn't there for me. She'd betrayed me. I had to watch helplessly while mother nature shot that horrible poison through my veins mutilating my body without ever asking me what kind of life I wanted to live. It's been a while since the worst years of puberty and I've started transitioning just a little while ago but my biggest regret is that I didn't cut them off. I feel like I could've spared myself a half decade of suffering if I'd been brave enough to endure the temporary pain. I had suicidal thoughts nearly every day during my teens but I rarely acted on them because I was scared of the pain. I did try to kill myself during the summer after my sophomore year. I'd gone as far as slitting my wrists and watching them bleed out before I got scared and backed out. I got medical gauze and wrapped it tightly around the sounds which were relatively small and stayed in my room for months to hide while my arms healed. During highschool I threw myself into my studies to block out the sadness and became one of the best students in school, 4.0 GPA, honors society, AP classes and all that but I'd go home and cry every night and my life felt so totally empty. I was just trying to avoid my ever present suicidal wishes because if I got caught up in them I'd just spiral down and down until I was about ready to act on them. I told my cousin around Christmas two years ago because I was tired of feeling so alone and uncared for and I didn't care how she reacted. She accepted me and she listened to me when I talked about how I felt. Somebody was finally there for me. It took a while to work up the courage to surmount my depressive inertia and start transitioning but I just decided I wasn't going to pretend to be that boy anymore or live that empty life for another single day. 
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:iconangelikatatsu:
AngelikaTatsu Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I have dealt with more anxiety over people than I have wanted to. I am currently 40 years old. I really feel like right now is when I should start transitioning rather than wait any later, before advanced age really does a number on how I look. I have been losing weight and feel great about that. I am envious of you just a little bit, you are half my age and I am sure that even though you have already been through puberty that your transition will be beautiful. 

When it comes tomy situation, my mom is more than just deaf...she wants to completely deny me what I should be entitled to. She has already labeled me her son. She'd rather be deaf, blind and stupid over me. I mean, she loves m and she tries to show her love...but not where it truly matters. The anguish I have to suffer through now...I only hope God is keeping me alive so that I can eventually experience the happiness that I deserve to have eventually. The problem is that I do feel utterly hopeless. I am disabled and can't work, I mean I'm not physically debilitated to prevent me from working but my mental health does. I am mentally stable enough to know what I want...even if I am bound to be stuck living with my unapproving mother until my dying day. If my disability money was enough for me to survive on my own, believe me I would have gotten out of this situation four years ago.

There are good days, but they are few and far between...good tv, good music and other things to help keep me distracted are nice but ultimately they offer no true fulfillment. I just want to feel loved, to be loved and give love in return to someone that truly deserves it. It is necessary for everyone to have at least one person that they be truly truthful with and that both support each other. I have absolutely no one. It is depressing, but I try to continue to hold on to hope...however fleeting it may feel.
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:iconsulfurdust:
SulfurDust Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017
I hope I'll be beautiful one day but there are some days when I'll look in the mirror and start crying. I can't look without seeing somebody who I don't know. Somebody who was never a true personality just a shell for a scared lonely girl to hide within. I feel like she's dead. She died and she never had a chance to live. I'll never be small nor delicate and it stings. When I think about what's down there it makes my heart wrench and it feels like there's a maw in the pit of my stomach which is eating me up from within.

My relationship with my mother is odd. I'm still living with her but she travels for work so it's almost like I live alone. I'm a dependent and I use the family insurance to cover my medical expenses. Mom took years to reach even ambivalence about my transhood. She still doesn't accept that I'm her daughter but its gotten through her thick skull that I'd probably kill myself if I couldn't do this.  Her fear of my potential suicide stops her from trying to inhibit me from using our insurance plan to pay for my medical expenses. She stubbornly holds onto the belief that I'm making a mistake but I guess to her I'm old enough to make my own mistakes now. She's better now than she was but that's not saying much at all. She tells me she'll be there for me but I just remember all the days she wasn't. In hollow words she says she loves me unconditionally but I just remember all the days her love was revealed to be very conditional. I hate living with her because whenever I see her I think of all the things she said and done and the memories of isolation make me hurt.

A lot of people hate things about their lives but they try to accept them and move on because they feel helpless to do anything about their problems so they try and live with the bad hand life dealt them. Maybe it's good to be able to not think about the things you cant change but it feels empty for me to pretend I'm a boy and to try and accept boyhood when I know I'll never be happy like that. I tried to pretend I could be happy but I couldn't. If something makes you sad then pretending you aren't sad is just inauthentic. You can decide to not let the sadness control you but you can't get rid of it. You can try not to think about your problems because you can't just snap your fingers and get rid of them but you can't solve them by pretending they aren't problems. Can you be happy despite them? I don't know. How could you when even the happiest of times turn bittersweet at the thought that this isn't who you want to be, this isn't how you want to look, this isn't how you want people to treat you.
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:iconbeez1717:
beez1717 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug:
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:iconangelikatatsu:
AngelikaTatsu Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconserrabritt:
SerraBritt Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm sorry to hear you are not getting the support that you should be getting by those close to you.  My own confidence was bolstered by knowing that people still cared about me, no matter what.  I hope you are able to get the same someday.

You are real, and true, and don't let anyone fully convince you that being transgender is a choice.  I know just online support isn't the best, but I hope it helps for now.
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:iconangelikatatsu:
AngelikaTatsu Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. At the bare minimum I know that some people care enough regardless of whether they are strangers in my life. I try to do my best to let my light shine regardless of how difficult it can get at times.
Reply
:iconundertaker972:
Undertaker972 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
Her confidence has definitely been growing, little by little. Shes become a strong woman, whether she realizes it or not. A nice way to end the chapter :)
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:iconmusicallover1234:
Musicallover1234 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Student Writer
Life  is about confidence , being stealth  or  not is a part of that as well and it really is up to the person as is the case with practically everything in life.
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:iconthe-real-wolf-spider:
Confidence is like that weird orange fruit I sometimes see in grocery stores.  I don't know the name but it has these weird spike like protrusions which are actually soft to the touch.  I kind of want to buy one but I don't know whaT I'd do with it or how I'm supposed to use it.
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:iconbeez1717:
beez1717 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Rain's look in the last panel is so adorable and she needs a giant hug :hug:
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:iconfayth85:
fayth85 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay. Now I just want to hug Rain and never let her go!
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:iconperilsofrosella:
PerilsOfRosella Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Professional General Artist
BUN STRETCH! EEEEEEE!
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:iconanimeenemy:
AnimeEnemy Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
Grammar error: "I know that would a disaster"
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:iconthediremoose:
thediremoose Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
awwww, bunny <3
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:iconwubmeister:
WubMeister Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Penultimate Panel: because pets don't care about your drama. Again. Aka Flop, pt II.
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:iconjocelynsamara:
JocelynSamara Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Professional Writer
Technically, I just included Puddle there to break up the various shots of the two girls talking.  But when I decided to include Puddle, it became oddly symbolic.  You see, rabbits are prey animals, and stretching out like that can make them vulnerable (as in, it could take an extra second to get up and run if need be).  So, when they get all comfy like that in front of their humans, it's usually a symbol of trust itself.  That they feel safe enough to do that around you, is a very good sign.  

And that's how Puddle accidentally became thematically relevant for this scene (despite being a total afterthought).  XD
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:iconlostcause26:
LostCause26 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Yeah, I see a lot of myself in what you're talking about there. I mean I'm not even really at the public presentation phase (although just over a week away from trying for the first time as I write this; if doing cosplay as a female character at a con counts), but I still get worked up over stuff like that.
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:iconflex35:
flex35 Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017
Best of luck to you. There are many strong female characters that I would love to cosplay as, someday. I hope you have a fun time ^_^ .
Reply
:iconthe-real-wolf-spider:
Good luck!
Reply
:iconserrabritt:
SerraBritt Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Confidence was the main key in my own decision to just come out publicly.  So it's nice to see this addressed some in the comic.

Thanks for the little story about yourself too Sis.  I'm glad that you have become confident and comfortable with your own identity.  You definitely are a woman, no matter what :)
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