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RAIN p.90 - All My Life by JocelynSamara RAIN p.90 - All My Life by JocelynSamara
(Very early today. Finishing up last bits of packing so I can go out see my friends one last time before I leave tomorrow, so there's a good chance I woluldn't be around tonight to post it at the correct time.)

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People ask me the same thing ALL the time: “Have you REALLY always been like this?” The question is always asked in such a way that implies it’s completely unbelievable and impossible that someone could have inherently always known they were in the wrong body (nevermind that this is actually documented as being the statistical norm for transgendered individuals). I know it’s not intended to be offensive (most of the time), but it can still come off as harsh and/or rude.

In Gavin’s case (as well as the case of many who ask this question), he’s never known Rain to be anything other than Ryan. It’s hard to swallow. How could people hide something so important to them? But don’t we ALL have something to hide because we’re afraid it might hurt others… or ourselves?

And if you say “no” to that, you’re only proving my point…

Oh, and first ever mention of Rain’s dad…

Whew. Heavy page followed by heavy commentary. For all it matters, Rain is pretty slick at rapidly changing the subject if things start to get uncomfortable for her.

©2004-2011
Rain, all characters and all other aspects of the story are copyright material belonging to me.
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:iconvixtheninthfox:
VixTheNinthFox Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
i can't remember when maybe 6-10 area i had thoughts that maybe i was a girl, at the time i pushed them away because physically i obviously wasn't, i didn't understand then that it didn't always work quite that way

took me until 17 (this year) to figure out that i am a girl
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:iconryu890:
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2012
Hmm....

I remember playing with my Mom's makeup when I was young. And constantly stealing her heels.

But.... *sighs* My memory is fuzzy. I distincly remember being emotionally unstable during much of my early years. I lived with an abusive father, and found my escape within the virtual worlds of my old Sega Saturn, and eventually my Playstation 2.

Seriously....I ignored all my feelings....because I made video games my entire life....it wasn't really until the divorce that I started recognizing just how wrong things were....

>_<
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:icontigerfestivals:
Tigerfestivals Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I used to mess with my grandmas jewelry, wear my moms shoes, and play with barbies. I never had any identity problems nor an urge to be a girl...I think it just confuses and troubles kids when parents don't let them play with certain toys growing up. The better thing would be just to let them be themselves, and not give mixed messages.
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:iconryu890:
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2013
Its not even like my parents were telling me "No! Don't you DARE play with the girl toys!"

There just..wern't any around at the time. I grew up with just me and my brother. 99% of our toys growing up were eaither gender-neutral or male-oriented.
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:icontigerfestivals:
Tigerfestivals Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmm, i see.
I just felt like replying since my little cousins situation seemed relevant. He expressed an interest in wearing wigs and playing dress up in flashy (oftentimes girlish) costumes. His mother was concerned with this behavior, but her efforts to stop it only made him want to do it more. Now his mother doesn't bother him about it, and he does it less often (though he still does it from time to time, he's just not told no to).
The problem is that some parents think the they must show the kids how to "be a man" or "act like a lady" when the children can probably figure their own way to do that, without confusing and potentially harmful regulation from their parents.
TLDR: Parents seem too concerned with whether their kid "acts their gender"
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:iconryu890:
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013
:P Tell me about it.
My Mom is ridiculously concerned that my sister won't be able to 'fit in' with her fellow girls. Thus, she discourages her to play with swords, monsters, or anything that isn't a princess or a pony. She doesn't even want her to get a Yu-Gi-Oh deck. XP Seriously.
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:icontigerfestivals:
Tigerfestivals Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's...pretty lame. "Fitting in" is the last thing she ought to worry about, imho. Unless your sister has a legitimate attitude problem, since her not fitting in because of that is more important. But that doesn't sound like the case, and just trying to fit in by doing similar things as others doesn't make sense.
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:iconryu890:
Ryu890 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
Tell me about it. Its what I've been telling her since...for-freaking-ever. But Mom doesn't want to listen. Mom doesn't want her to be 'her'. She wants her to be 'her perfect little princess'. *groans*.
Reply
:iconeunacis:
Eunacis Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Student Writer
Speaking of assumptions being the exact opposite of statistical norms:

Scuicides rarely, if never, come with a note. ie: The Scuicide note.
Reply
:icon2ndavatar:
2ndAvatar Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, god, I hate the "have you always been like this" question so much and I'm only lesbian. I can only imagine how annoying it would be to get it about something as natural as your gender. "YES I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A GIRL!!!!!" :XD:

On a side note, I just realized that probably about 40% of my friends are trans. Huh. Keep up the great work!
Reply
:iconusagiknight:
UsagiKnight Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Well the question itself isn't rude, but it still slightly offends me when its worded a cetain way from my own family. Kind of like it is an impossibility that the depression any of us have can be caused by not feeling feminine. Not to mention no one questions a real girl about why she wants to feel that way. But at the same time, we know that the people we love have always seen that boy that needed special attention. And will most likely still need it when he gets older. We can't change that, all we can hope for is that no one is becomes hurt when we ourselves can't take it anymore.

The fact you even mentioned Rain's dad in your commentary makes wonder a if this really did get to serious for Ryan. Of coarse that information isn't ready yet, but I bet the Ryan before probably blames himself for their seperation sometimes, though it wasn't his fault.

And on the note for changing the subject, I look forward to the next page becasue I can only guess what is about to be talked about.
Reply
:iconmaiden-of-the-maggot:
Maiden-Of-The-Maggot Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Now I need me a Mad GigaKaizer X! O:
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:icon14bj337:
14bj337 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
Finally, we see Rain delving into her past!
It's amazing how much those six dots in panel six can mean. Coupled with Rain's expression, one can infer that her father had some sort of "serious" reaction to Ryan's declaration, probably more serious than her siblings' or her mother's. Beyond that, however, one can only guess. Abuse? Neglect? It does show, however, that young Ryan had no one to turn to; that he found no support, even among his family. Thank goodness for Aunt Fara...
While Rain's notice of the "Mad GigaKaizer X" action figure may have been just to derail the seriousness of the conversation, it may actually help Rain and Gavin to bridge the relational gap. The toy represents a shared moment and a shared memory between the two of them. The fact that Rain remembered it shows that her friendship with Gavin was very important to her. It also helps to bridge the disconnect between Rain and Ryan. While it may seem like a silly or random thing, it is often those silly and random things that a friendship is built upon. I think this is a new step on their road to reconciliation.
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:iconmegants222:
megants222 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
like the work
Reply
:iconyitomic:
Yitomic Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
The toy reminds me of a Mega Man villain
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:iconomnialificent:
Omnialificent Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2011
I'm kinda hoping Gavins mom is on the otherside of the door with her ear or a cup against it listening in.
Reply
:iconmusicallover1234:
Musicallover1234 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Student Writer
Wow this is a heavy page and it brings up a lot of thought. The fact is that no matter how masculine or feminine you are you always have a part of you that is that other gender. There are those out there that are more in touch with the parts of them that are the opposite gender. It seems to me that transgendered people have the wrong programing in their brains the wiring in their brains don't match their bodies. I think that one of the reasons why some people have a difficult time accepting it, or even laugh at it is because they don't think that is possible after all how could someone hid their true self from thous around them, i know this will be the case when i tell my family that i have been question my own identity. The other case in which they laugh is sometimes because they are nervous about it as well.

On another note is this that random toy that i got you for your birthday? Sorry i could help myself i love how Rain all the sudden changed the subject to the toy it made me laugh. How her face changed so fast, i didn't think that was possible besides of course two year olds and i have seen it. I wonder how her father reacted from the way she acted probably not so well. Good page as it gives us some more insight into Rain, and we get to see Rain as a child again for the first time in a while. I look forward to the page on Monday.
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:iconavistew:
Avistew Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011
People always ask me if I've always been poly, too. Sometimes I wonder what they think, that I woke up some day and thought "Hey, I'm going to fall in love with several people at the same time from now on!"
On the other hand I know some people who never realised they were poly until they were in a loving relationship and fell in love again, and freaked out because they had no clue what was going on.

I guess to me the only reason it would be hard to know you were a girl from an early age, is that I don't understand how you can feel you're a girl, regardless of what body you have. I guess it comes with being agender, I don't really know how it feels to have a gender, so to some extent I don't relate to transgender or cisgender people, in the same way an asexual person wouldn't relate to sexual attraction, be it straight or gay.

Anyways, it's turning into a rant! I do know people who are surprised about many things like YNot said, such as always knowing they wanted to work with horses, or always knowing they wanted to study Japanese... I guess in such cases the question is "but where did it come from? What gave you that idea?" and it's possible people feel the same about issues they're not used to, like they have to place a specific event that "made" you this way rather than just accept that it's just how you are.
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:iconanimasword:
Animasword Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah I'll admit there are many things I hide from people, mostly because I'm afraid of how people will judge me based purely on that fact...hell I'm nervous to even talk about it here (even though I know being cyrptic like this is just going to make peole even more curious).

Ah well, nice update either way ^_^
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:iconorangedemi:
OrangeDemi Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
she has a +10 buff to diversion of attention
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:iconladyserena:
LadySerena Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
I love her change of topic. Just like me!
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:iconginnyjinka:
GinnyJinka Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
My earliest memories are running around in boxers when I was three, being happy, and then later, at five, being teased for wearing boys' clothes and wishing that I were a boy. Now I mope, pretend to be angry instead of sad, force myself to be a girl at least for a while, and bind my chest whenever I'm alone. Derp.
Reply
:iconchihuahua0:
chihuahua0 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Student Writer
Now I want to know about Rain's dad.

I think he must be an important man.
Reply
:iconprincessjessica:
PrincessJessica Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
Ooh, very deep.

Rain's Dad...I forgot all about him. I wonder what happened to him
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:iconmayfirerose:
mayfirerose Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah... There are still certain very close family members who dont know im Bi. Just cause Im too afraid to be frowned upon by them. And a few other things that I would rather not say to anyone..... But thats a whole other story.

Anyway, good page. I hope there is more light shed on Rain's father. Seems like a side of the story we may need to hear.
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:iconcomputermanmik428:
COMPUTERMANMIK428 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
awww :)
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:icon13bridgesofwater:
13BridgesofWater Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
This page really makes me want to give Rain a hug. Good luck with your move.
Reply
:iconkirukachan:
KirukaChan Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
....And yet another similarity between Gavin and Hirotaka. ^_^

Nice choice of model for Gavin. Drills are a man's romance, after all....wait, why is he locking the door? NO MEANS NO!
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:iconfenrirdarkwolfe:
FenrirDarkWolfe Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Student General Artist
Nice save Rain, nice save.
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:icondragon8writer:
dragon8writer Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
*Hugs Rain*

*Darts off giving Rain an actual excuse to be distracted from the conversation*
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:iconcoffinstufferd:
coffinstufferd Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
My two early memories were of my dad and mom when they were still together, and being in preschool. The teacher told me I might have to wear girls clothes because I had no extras. I remember secretly hoping she would have only girls clothes. At 4 I knew that I wanted to be a girl in some form, and I also knew to hide it from adults. I blame my stepfather for the latter...
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:iconwthat:
WTHat Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
Story of my life. =w=
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:iconchicken-yuki:
Chicken-Yuki Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011   Traditional Artist
:iconscrewtherulesplz: SCREW MY DAD! YOU HAVE ACTION FIGURES!!!
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:iconchitttick1:
chitttick1 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
YAY!!!! :woohoo: Yugioh Abridged reference!!!!
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:iconchicken-yuki:
Chicken-Yuki Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011   Traditional Artist
Well, it pretty much summed up the last four panels.

Hey, I just abridged a comic page! :XD:
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:iconchitttick1:
chitttick1 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011
Indeed it did!!! =D
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:iconartboyz00:
artboyz00 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
What a nice subtle way to say "Hey, remember me, I'm still that same kid you were best friends with." Looks like an important moment, establishing Rain and Ryan as one person. To me, it seems more of a duality problem for Gavin then a gender one.
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:iconundertaker972:
Undertaker972 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
yea that was interesting to mention her Dad, i wonder what his opinion on all this is? and nice change of subject there, so random lol
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:iconjanusdaguardian42:
JanusDaGuardian42 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Heh... nice toy design.
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:iconzanagb:
ZanaGB Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Drifting off of a topic with style :P
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:icondinadan-ermorfea:
Dinadan-Ermorfea Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Somehow I doubt that Gavin locking the door is going to stop his mum from entering the room =p
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:iconynot1989:
YNot1989 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Have you ever considered that their disbelief isn't out of ignorance towards transgenders, but rather out of the surprise to find someone who is completely certain about what they want out of life? I've always wanted to go to space, that's my earliest memory, and even though I'm in college to do just that, people still have a hard time believing it. Just a thought.
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:iconjaded-but-cute:
Jaded-but-cute Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
It's not a matter of disbelief, it's a matter of exclusion. Basically it's sociological stereotyping, and we as humans do it all the time to all races and genders.

How often have you thought a black guy who has a bit of an ebonics dialect is unintelligent? How often have you spoken slower and louder to a person who doesn't speak your language? How often have you taken a single moment of a person's life and judged their entire past for it, such as meeting someone who's a bit of a bitch at that particular time but assuming they're always going to be like that because of that one first example.

It's called a first impression, and even with the most hardcore open minded people, they still succumb to the basic psychological influences of it. When you meet a person, if I remember correctly, your mind basically tells you what kind of person that is and therefore how to communicate with them in the first 13 seconds of conversation.

Not one of my friends or family had even the slightest clue that I might even be just a little bit gay let alone a transgender, and that's because I give off the impression of a fairly cynical, pragmatic, outspoken kind of guy. The usual first impression isn't gay or transgender or intelligent or different; it's asshole.

This is where transgenders have it really hard I think as it's damn near impossible to change that first impression if the impression is that you are a guy. Not just the proud owner of a penis, but other "guy" like things, including physiological ones. While most social groups, such as nerds or sports fans or funny-people or dick managers or what have you are pretty much gender neutral, facial hair, a deep voice, and stereotypically speaking linear thinking will absolutely ruin the first impression of a transgender MTF.

So the reason people are in denial about the whole "Wow, I never would have expected that." sort of reaction is because it's the most unrelatable and inconstant idea with what society deems as socially and normally acceptable. Now, obviously, the tolerant and open minded people will think it's acceptable -psychologically- speaking, but -sociologically- speaking we as a society have been indoctrinated to separate and segregate two genders as not just two different body parts but two different species and ways of thinking all together. They are in disbelief because they can't understand the mentality of it because society doesn't commonly demonstrate that kind of mentality.

Then of course you have the intolerant people like Rain's mother. Intolerant people are not inherently bigots, this is a very important distinction. Their societal rules are far more set in stone than most people's, so it's not simply a matter of disbelief but they literally think "You can't do this. It's not allowed." The general distinction between someone who is intolerant and a bigot is that the intolerant person CAN be enlightened, they are mostly ignorant, but not unintelligent. A bigot on the other hand, one who outright refuses to accept the idea in a practical, psychological, emotional or physical sense, will always naysay a transgender even if they've been given all the reason in the world for a transgender to be considered equal members of society.

In short, the difference between an intolerant and a bigot is an intolerant may or may not be willing to accept a new idea, a bigot will -not- accept a new idea.

Anyway, the point is the idea of transgendered people is an unrelatable subject. A straight, normal adult male can find a lot more in common with a nerd or a sports fan than someone who wants to become a woman. That lack of relation does indeed turn into a dismissive, alienating ignorance, not simple disbelief.

Sorry, I know this was long winded, but then trying to describe someone's mentality isn't just a one paragraph explanation. :) I hope this gives some perspective.
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:iconynot1989:
YNot1989 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You make some very valid points, none of which I can really disagree with, but perhaps I should give some perspective on my initial comment:

I'm a Transhumanist, meaning the second genetic engineering and/or advanced cybernetics takes off I'm gonna be the first one to sign up. Basically I don't see the human body as anything more than a vessel for my mind; to me if you're transgendered, your basically software trying to run with incompatible hardware. That's not some liberal guilt bullshit statement, that's genuinely how I see the world.
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:iconathils:
Athils Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
I don't think most transgender people are "completely certain about what they want out of life," just certain about one part of it.

I'm going to law school to focus on public service and labor and employment law. What do I want to do specifically with that background? I dunno.

But I'm totally sure that I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a guy, and I knew that my body was a horrible mistake from very early on. I'll admit that it's hard to find anything else to compare it to.
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:iconynot1989:
YNot1989 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm just saying that Transgenders have one thing most people don't, a real handle on what they want to be; an goal that is wired into their/your brains that cannot be ignored and is often followed with a level of ferocity and determination that I find quite admirable.

That's just my take on it, so feel free to say that I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
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:iconathils:
Athils Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2011
You're really not wrong, but the whole thing kind of defies explanation. It's more like an urge to put a collapsing house back together than to actually, you know, build one. :confused:

That's just me, though. It probably feels different for other transpeople. I don't know if anyone has ever come up with an accurate, exhaustive, and succinct description of the feeling yet. It mostly sucks, though. :depressed:
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