Magical: Before the Magic - Nora's Story

magical
“Before the Magic - Nora’s Story”
by Jocelyn Samara D.



Nicolas Jiménez is transgender?  Really?

During roll call of the first period of my first class of the first day of the new school year, this bombshell was dropped.  The rest of the class continues with me staring in... well, in her direction, I suppose.  I just find myself watching helplessly from the back corner of the room while the other students tease and berate her.  I feel bad, but I'm still kind of taking this all in.

The last time we spoke - if you'd even call it that - was in gym class one day last year.  An athlete, I am not.  He tried to pass a ball to me, and there was just no chance of me catching it.  I missed by a long shot as expected, and he relayed some choice words to me.

It wasn't even a big deal or anything though.  I wasn't mad at the time.  In fact, until now I pretty much forgot about that whole thing completely.  I mean, that's how pretty much all the guys in gym class are.  They take whatever dumb sport we're playing way too seriously, and sometimes things are said.  Especially when us non-athletic types fail to live up to the expectations of everyone else.

But as class ends, and I see Nicolas - now Carmen - stand up with her pink top and that playful denim skirt, I just can't rationalize that they're one in the same person.  There remains a part of me wondering if this is some kind of a strange prank.  

This is when I witness Janey Price pull Carmen helplessly from the room after a crowd of boys were bullying her some more.  None of the boys follow; they just laugh harder.  

I immediately recant my thought.  If this is a prank, Carmen's playing it on herself.  This would be needless trauma she could be easily avoiding if she wasn't transgender.  This isn't a joke for her.  She's definitely a trans girl.  She's doing this because she feels she has to, bullies be damned.  I just can't believe she of all people is trans.

"Pretty crazy, isn't it Donnie?"  Henry Menard says as he turns in his seat to face me.  I wish he wouldn't talk to me.  He's less a friend and more a guy we happen to share a few friends with.  "Nick's always been kinda weird, but this is the craziest damn thing I ever saw.  Too bad Janey's wasting her time with him.  You don't think she'd actually go out with him, right?  She's waaay too good for him."    

"Her."  I say nonchalantly as I gather my things and stand up.

"Wha...?"

"If she's asking to be called Carmen and treated like a girl, then it's 'her', not 'him'."  I lecture.

"And you're the authority on transvestites, are you?"

"Transgender people, you mean?  No.  Hardly.  It's just that someone close to me is trans, so I've come to understand a lot of the basics.  And let's just say I have a lot of respect for people like that.  It can't be easy."

"Yo, dude.  Sorry.  I didn't realize it hit so close to home." he surprises me by apologizing.  Maybe Henry's not such a bad guy after all.

After our little talk, we both finally leave the class.  Henry turns left out of the room, but my eyes shift immediately to the right.  There are Carmen and Janey, standing just out in the halls.  I feel like maybe I should show my support.

“Excuse me!”  I call to her.  Both turn immediately to me.  “Is… is it true you’re a tran-”

“Is she what, boy?  Is she what!?” Janey snaps at me as though she might just rip my face off.  I can't help but step back.  “How about you just go ahead and keep walking?”  

My eyes shift to Carmen, whose face is very red.  It wouldn't surprise me at all if she'd been crying recently.  I feel terrible, but I suppose that resolves whatever doubts I have left.  Without another word, I turn on my heels and walk the other way.

I pass Henry talking to some of his buddies, just in time to overhear him saying, "Yeah, you know the little Latino kid, Nick?  Total tranny.  You gotta see him.  It's hilarious."  They all erupt into laughter.

I'm glad my words stuck with him for all of eight seconds before he went back to being a terrible human being.  Lying piece of garbage...

Perhaps I'm not in a position to judge someone for not being totally honest though.  "Someone close to me is trans." I said to him before.  I know I'm a Drama Club kid, but I'm amazed I was able to say that with a straight face.  Although, I guess I don't get any closer to someone who's trans than being that someone myself.  In that sense, I suppose it was the truth.

***

Really, it's kind of an amazing coincidence that Carmen would come out to the school with this right now (whether intentionally or not).  I sort of just came out to my family last weekend.  It was purely accidental on my part, but the end result is that my folks know now.  It wasn't successful either.  Let's just say I definitely don't see myself following in Carmen's footsteps any time soon.  Lucky girl.

No, instead I have my mom, who hasn't spoken a word to me in days.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's my dad who has probably said a few too many words.  I'd rather not repeat the things he said, but to sum it up: no father should ever talk like that to their kid.  The scary thing is how up until then, he never would have either.

There's also my twin sister, Gwen.  It was her clothes I was caught wearing, so it's probably safe to say she's more peeved than anyone else.  Since she's in the exact same school and grade, I worry about the chance of her trying to get back at me by spreading news of this to our classmates in order to ruin my reputation.  I'm sort of banking on her being afraid of how it might affect hers.  It's hard to say either way, though.  

"Donnie.  Donnie!" a familiar voice calls from behind me.  "Are you listening?  Earth to Donovan Blake!"

"Huh?  You mean me?"  I turn my head around with a grin.  My girlfriend, Hitomi, gives me an exhausted look.

Before I go any further, yes, I am dating a girl.  I heard through the grapevine last May that Hitomi Kido had a crush on me.  I asked her out and she accepted, in turn, proving that true.  I don't know that I'm committed to the idea of seriously dating yet.  I feel like my identity should be fixed first.  But here I am with her.  And I think I'm happy.  My identity is safe for sure.

"How many Donovans do you know?" she snaps.  But then, in a more compassionate tone: "Are you feeling okay?  You seem really out of it."

"I feel really out of it."  I say honestly.  I'm still dwelling on Carmen after all.  "I'm sorry.  Was there something on your mind?"  

"I wanted to ask you about Gwen.  She said something really peculiar to me this morning."  Hitomi gets my utmost attention.  "I was just saying hi to her, and she was all like, "for your own good, dump my brother!"  She wouldn't elaborate though.  Why would she say something like that?  Are you two having a fight again?"

So Gwen isn't coming right out and telling people.  I'm sure she would in a heartbeat if she didn't think she might get dragged down with me.  The twin sister of a trans girl will likely be looked at by the other students; she'll probably be expected to come out as a trans boy solely on the grounds that we're twins.  Or maybe they'll think her a trans girl who already transitioned.  None of it would have ANY logical bearing, mind you, but if she tried to out me, I wouldn't expect any other scenario.  It might be exactly this that protects me.  I guess I'm lucky for now.

Hitomi leans in closer to look directly in my eyes.  "You're not saying anything." she grumbles.

"There's nothing to say." I tell her.  "You know how she hates me.  We got in an argument, and now she probably just wants to get back at me by going through you.  It's pretty despicable, but would you really expect less from her?"  That's not a lie, by the way.  Gwen and I never much got along anyway.  Our relationship just didn't exactly improve last weekend.

Hitomi looks somewhere between deeply concerned and deeply annoyed.  Fair enough.  "What was it about?  It just seems especially cruel."  she says.

"Are you breaking up with me because she told you to?"

"No.  But Gwen said that to me as if I shouldn't trust you, and you're being awfully tight-lipped." Hitomi gives me a sharp, cold glare.  She always had the scariest glare.  Even if I'm not doing anything wrong - even if it's not directed at me - I find myself breaking into a cold sweat whenever I witness it. "So if I break up with you, it'll be because you won't man up and give me a straight answer."

Man up.  I hate that term.  I wish I could tell her to man up.  See how it works out for her.

The bell rings and we're officially late for class. "I guess we'll talk about this later."

"Just say it quickly now.  We're already late.  One minute or two won't make much difference!" she demands.

"It's complicated.  I'd need more than one or two minutes.  We'll chat later.  Or you can ask her again."  I only mention that last part because I feel sure Gwen won't take the risk.

***

The day carries on with no drama for the most part much to my surprise.  I'm certainly grateful though.

There are just two periods left in my day.  As luck would have it, it looks like I share this class with Gwen.  I take my seat at one corner of the room, and to no surprise she sets herself in the very opposite corner.  I wave to her and she flips me the bird.  I guess that's kind of like waving.

Hitomi then walks into the room.  Crap.  I'd been doing so good at trying to avoid talking about this with her.  We lock eyes for a moment, but she instead keeps going and takes the seat behind my sister.  I'm certain she'll beg Gwen for answers of need be.

Then Carmen walks in.  First class I've had with her since this morning.  She looks worse for wear; I can't imagine the toll the rest of her day must've taken on her since first period.  And yet, despite all the hardships she's no doubt facing, I'm still super jealous of her.  I'd be doing the same thing if I could.  I can't help but wonder how she convinced her parents to let her do this.  Or are they just totally open and accepting?

Maybe she didn't even tell her folks at all.  Maybe she changed somewhere between home and school?  I don't know where or how though.  And I imagine, if that were the case, the school would call her parents before long.  

Not to mention, she passes so well.  Has she always looked so feminine?  She can't already be on hormones, can she?  It makes me worry about myself.  I'm probably close to half a foot taller than her, and my hair's a lot shorter.  I don't have particularly broad features thankfully, but I'm not you'd call dainty and feminine either.  I wonder if I'd even make it to roll call before getting clocked.

"So, it is true." I hear from the seat behind me.  I turn to see Trey Hartley adjusting his thick, black glasses.  "Someone told me Nick was dressing like a girl today, but I never would've believed it if I hadn't seen him."  I'm pretty sure he's talking to himself out loud more than to me, but he nods when I turn to him.

I don't dislike Trey, but hearing him say that is cringe-worthy.  I think it's going to be hard to listen to the all of my classmates until this becomes old news.  I try to explain to him exactly what I said with Henry earlier today, hoping he's a little more intelligent and compassionate.

"So, he's... transgender?" Trey asks.  Considering his use of pronouns, I assume he's not getting it.  "But I went to kindergarten with Nick.  Don't those kinds of people broadcast it their whole lives in a way?  I mean, like they like pink and play with dolls at a young age.  They act girly.  And then they come out and no one's surprised.  But Nick likes sports and I know he likes girls, so it doesn't seem to fit.  I know he's got long hair, but that's not really unmasculine.  It just seems so sudden for him."

I won't argue about the suddenness, but I don't think any part of the rest of that is actually true.  I'm not sure where he gets his facts from, but I feel dumber having listened to it.  Although pink IS my favorite color and I DID play with my sister's dolls, I never broadcasted either one.  I'm sure no one actually knows.

He keeps talking though: "The weirdest part is, if I didn't know any better, I'd totally buy it.  I might even have unwittingly asked her out.  But don't tell anyone I said that."

I want to explain how if Carmen is a trans girl, that means she is - by all rights - an actual girl.  And by extension, if she's an actual girl, it wouldn't make him gay to be attracted to her.  I don't have much confidence in being able to help it sink in though.  He's so off about everything else, I worry how he'll misunderstand this too.  But I consider it.  Before coming to a conclusion though, the teacher walks in and the bell rings.

The teacher yammers for forty minutes and the bell rings again.

The very second it goes off, Carmen is out of her seat and out of the room.  "She moves fast for her first time in a skirt." I distinctly hear this in Hitomi's high-pitched voice, piercing through the ambiance of everyone else talking.  Gwen responds, but I can't hear what she says.  Her face makes it clear that whatever she said probably reflected disgust though.  I know because she stared directly at me - practically through me - when she said it.

As they pass by me, Gwen further says, this time audibly, "And please don't call him a "she".  It's like giving your dog a treat when it pees on your stuff.  It's rewarding gross behavior and I don't think it should be encouraged."

"It's not gross!  It's just how she chooses to express herself!"  I stand up and snap before I have time to reconsider.  Gwen and Hitomi look at me in surprise.  I turn slowly to see Trey even paused from gathering his stuff to stare.

"It's a gross form of expression.  And you're the grossest of all."  she says with a dark, condescending look.  I mean to retaliate, but before I can get more than a sound out, she takes me off guard with, "Just leave me alone... Nora."  Before I can even digest what she'd said, Gwen exits the room.  Hitomi and Trey remain dumbfounded.

Nora is the name I chose for myself.  When I was found dressing up this past weekend, I tried to explain to my family what I was doing.  Why I was doing it.  Why I had to do it.  I've always been afraid of coming out, but when I was cornered like that, all I could think was, "Maybe this is for the best.  Maybe this is my chance."  And I told them in detail that I was trans.  That I was not their son, but their daughter.  That I wanted to change my name to Nora.  And now my family hates me.

But to hear Gwen call me that in public and with such venom.  She's not as concerned about her image as I thought.  And that terrifies me.  What else would she be willing to do to punish me?

I wasn't prepared to tell my family more than a few days ago, and it went badly.  I'm realizing - especially after watching Carmen - that I'm not prepared for the couple hundred students in this school to know either.  I'm realizing that as much as I want to be a girl and live as a girl, that there is security in where I am right now.  I don't want to accept this, but it's there.  

It's simply safer to be Donnie right now... and I hate myself for admitting it.

"Nora?" Hitomi questions, her head cocked.  "What's that supposed to mean?"  

I'm silent.  How do I even begin to answer?  If I lie, she could ask Gwen who might be willing to call me on my bluff.  If I tell the truth, I would have both Hitomi and Trey hearing.  Could I depend on them both to keep it secret?  Even if one of them was accepting and understanding, what would be the odds that the other was too?

"Donnie?  We only have so much time until the next class.  You're the one that didn't want to be late, remember?" she says with a sigh.  "If you don't want to say what she's talking about right now, fine.  But can we at least get on with our day?"

Hitomi takes my hand like the loving girlfriend she is, and pulls me lightly from the classroom.   My eyes meet Trey's for just a moment as he wears a look of disappointment from missing out on some juicy gossip.  I look back at Hitomi, the girlfriend I probably don't deserve to have, and she's smiling at me.

She stops in the middle of the halls, which are mostly pretty empty at the moment.  The bell must be going to ring soon.  Still smiling, and still clutching my hand, she looks up at me.  Hitomi grabs my other hand and raises onto her toes to kiss me.  I lean in as well.  Our lips meet for a moment.

When we separate, we look into each other's eyes.  "I... I'm..." I start, seriously about to come out to her.

Hitomi places her finger over my mouth.  "I know, Donnie.  But we'll talk later."  And without another word or the slightest hesitation, she begins running down the hall and into her last class.

"I know?"  I repeat her words in a whisper.  What does that mean?  Know what?  Did Gwen already tell her?  Did her calling me by my preferred name give me away more than I realized?  What even just happened?  Why did Hitomi suddenly start smiling and getting all lovey-dovey?

I close my eyes and grit my teeth, and I feel like I'm about to scream.

"It's going to be okay."

My eyes shoot open, but no one is there.  My head whips around, but the halls are empty.  I find myself turning all around to confirm this, and there is definitely not a person in sight.  There is, however, a rabbit with butterfly wings just sitting there a few feet away.

The bell rings, and I startle.

I turn and whatever I saw isn't there anymore.  I lower my head into my hand and run my fingers through my hair.  I close my eyes again and take in a few deep breaths.  No one talks.  No one is there.  I'm just exhausted.

I lift my head slowly and weakly, looking down the hall in one direction, and then the other.  I turn and walk forward to class.

I hope you're right, mysterious disembodied voice.  I'd like very much for things to be okay.