Journal Entry: Tue Oct 21, 2014, 8:43 PM
Its been about a week since I've said much of anything on the internet apart from short blurbs with the fanart posts (thank you, by the way, to anyone who has contributed so far; you're amazing and I love you). I wanted to kinda just chime in without that distraction to just let everyone know I'm still alive and doing... well, not necessarily good or bad. I'm just doing.
The truth is, I've been hesitant to post status updates partly because nothing's really happened yet (surgery's next week), and partly because I don't want to sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party (since what little is going on, frankly sucks). But I've reached a point where I've just got to vent or it's going to start eating at me. I've had a few very unpleasant run-ins with people I'm still dwelling on, and sometimes have to deal with exhausting physical pain I can't do a heck of a lot about.
But probably the hardest thing, perhaps oddly, is that I also stopped taking my Estradiol (I need to for the upcoming surgery in order to prevent blood clots). But I made the mistake of stopping as soon as my endo told me, rather than waiting for a surgery date. So I've been off of it for about two weeks, and I've still got a week to go (my bad). Since I already stopped though, I didn't want to start back up only to stop again anyway. No sense in screwing with my body chemistry more than necessary, right?
But you know, with my Estrogen levels being really low now, I've got to tell you, I feel miserable. It's kind of like how I felt before HRT (dysphoria, anxiety, depression, etc), but probably worse because of the added bonus of withdrawal symptoms. And as I've said before, because of the cancer my Testosterone is higher now than before I started HRT. And I've seen this surface a lot in the last couple weeks in the form of a very short temper. I get angry at the stupidest little things, like I used to sometimes before hormones (but it seems more frequent now... part of that might be stress too though), and I don't like feeling like this. The rational part of me knows that this is only temporary, and that I will get past this (and real soon), but god, I feel anything but rational right now.
Things will be better soon. It's been a long few weeks, but this is almost over. Soon I'll be cancer-free. I'll have my Estradiol back. Maybe I won't have to deal with as many creeps online. And everything can eventually get back to normal. Until then, video games, Netflix, Hulu, and Rain fanart/fanfics are what's keeping me grounded and making me forget for even just a little bit.
Playing: Super Smash Bros for 3DS