Shop More Submit  Join Login
About Literature / Professional Premium Member Jocelyn Samara D.30/Female/United States Group :iconthe-rainbeau-club: The-RainBeau-Club
Recent Activity
Deviant for 8 Years
8 Month Premium Membership:
Given by TheBlackChriss
Statistics 1,760 Deviations 12,941 Comments 694,733 Pageviews

Newest Deviations


An Actual Post

Journal Entry: Tue Oct 21, 2014, 8:43 PM
Its been about a week since I've said much of anything on the internet apart from short blurbs with the fanart posts (thank you, by the way, to anyone who has contributed so far; you're amazing and I love you).  I wanted to kinda just chime in without that distraction to just let everyone know I'm still alive and doing... well, not necessarily good or bad.  I'm just doing.

The truth is, I've been hesitant to post status updates partly because nothing's really happened yet (surgery's next week), and partly because I don't want to sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party (since what little is going on, frankly sucks).  But I've reached a point where I've just got to vent or it's going to start eating at me.  I've had a few very unpleasant run-ins with people I'm still dwelling on, and sometimes have to deal with exhausting physical pain I can't do a heck of a lot about.  

But probably the hardest thing, perhaps oddly, is that I also stopped taking my Estradiol (I need to for the upcoming surgery in order to prevent blood clots).  But I made the mistake of stopping as soon as my endo told me, rather than waiting for a surgery date.  So I've been off of it for about two weeks, and I've still got a week to go (my bad).  Since I already stopped though, I didn't want to start back up only to stop again anyway.  No sense in screwing with my body chemistry more than necessary, right?

But you know, with my Estrogen levels being really low now, I've got to tell you, I feel miserable.  It's kind of like how I felt before HRT (dysphoria, anxiety, depression, etc), but probably worse because of the added bonus of withdrawal symptoms.  And as I've said before, because of the cancer my Testosterone is higher now than before I started HRT.  And I've seen this surface a lot in the last couple weeks in the form of a very short temper.  I get angry at the stupidest little things, like I used to sometimes before hormones (but it seems more frequent now... part of that might be stress too though), and I don't like feeling like this.  The rational part of me knows that this is only temporary, and that I will get past this (and real soon), but god, I feel anything but rational right now.

Things will be better soon.  It's been a long few weeks, but this is almost over.  Soon I'll be cancer-free.  I'll have my Estradiol back.  Maybe I won't have to deal with as many creeps online.  And everything can eventually get back to normal.  Until then, video games, Netflix, Hulu, and Rain fanart/fanfics are what's keeping me grounded and making me forget for even just a little bit.

  • Mood: Pain
  • Playing: Super Smash Bros for 3DS


JocelynSamara's Profile Picture
Jocelyn Samara D.
Artist | Professional | Literature
United States


Add a Comment:
Aravanww Featured By Owner 14 minutes ago  New member Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope this will make you smile..... I started reading Rain about 2 months ago from the beginning and fell in love with it and Rain.  Then I read that you were taking time for your health and you wanted fanart, that lead me here to Deviantart... I owe you a huge thank you for inspiring me to start drawing again.. I love it and I love this forum for showing my work.  Thank you Jocelyn!  I love your story building and art style and can't wait for you to be healthy and ready to start up again with Rain!
DaphneHughes Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
I have here some fan art for you! :dance:…
JamieAgathaRose Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
I thought you might like this. ^_^
yesnomabyso Featured By Owner Edited 3 days ago
I don't know how else to link you but here is some fan art ^_^…
Teen-Lyoko-Fan7777 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Student General Artist
(1 Reply)
Add a Comment: